Mario Kart Gone Wrong
by Stenir
Summary: It's not serious. Seriously. Seriously, it's not serious. It's not seriously serious. I can write.
1. Mario Circuit 1

A gingerly knock came at the door. Mario was asleep in bed, but the knock woke him up. And, as he would recount years later, it wasn't just a gingerly knock because it was soft. It was ginger-ly because there was ginger on the floor. Princess Peach had been up all night baking again.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?" Mario gruffly said, not giving a crap after having spent the last three weeks in training for today's race. He pushed himself during training and he was exhausted. Mario didn't even bother with that fake accent he usually put on just so the Princess would give him the time of day. That's okay – she didn't seem to care. Or notice.

"It's almost time for the race!" she squeaked in excitement.

"HOLY CRAP I WOKE UP LATE!" he screamed as he looked at the clock, then her, then the clock, and then her. "WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP!"

"You looked so peaceful in bed; I wanted to make certain you had enough sleep! Sleep is good for you!" she stated as if she didn't realize Mario was yelling. Or that he only had his undies on in front of her. Or maybe she did realize.

Either way, ten minutes later Mario was out the door and was at the sign-up to get his placement. Had he woken up earlier, he might have got a higher place; instead, he got 8th place and hated it. Donkey Kong laughed at him, while Bowser and Koopa formulated a plan that was certain to be so that Bowser would win. Mario didn't even care when Peach walked over to Bowser and started being all like "Hey there" and Bowser was like "Hey gurl, how u doin'?"

Mario just wanted to win.

Lap One

As the race began, Mario drove right through Lakitu's cloud, which immediately knocked him to the ground. Lakitu's cursing faded into the distance as Mario cut the first corner too sharp, causing him to nearly spin out as he barely turned back onto the road. Even with that little trick, he was still in last place. Mario sped past on the left, giving them his attempt at a death stare as he passed Koopa, Bowser, Toad, and Luigi.

He turned too sharp trying to avoid the pipes blocking some of the turn, slamming directly into Yoshi. Some of his coins fell out of his wallet. Yoshi swore at him, then spat out his tongue and picked up Mario's coins.

"That's to pay for my insurance, you jerk!" was what Mario thought he heard Yoshi say, but no one understands Yoshi speak so he/she/it might as well have been saying "I goat banana ate Mazda Disney fart".

Mario grabbed a nearby Item Block. Breaking it open, he pulled out a banana. As he goes around the next curve to the left, he drops the banana right of front of Yoshi, who sticks out his/her/its tongue and eats it. Yoshi then creates an egg from it (although for the sake of the rest of this paragraph, we won't say from where on Yoshi the egg came from), and then flings it back, knocking Toad into the section of dirt just off the road.

Mario is, needless to say, thoroughly disgusted at the sight and nearly vomits all over his seatbelt. Then he thinks about throwing up into a paper bag and using that as a weapon, but then he remembered his training on chemical warfare and decides to leave that to Wario's butt blast instead.

Instead, he focused on making the final turn, where he realized he was battling his supposed love interest (or at least the woman he wants but never can seem to get)…for second place.

Mario looked at her as if to say, "Yo dawg, I know you like racing, so I put some races in another castle so you go race there and I'll just get first place here."

Peach looked back at him as if to say, "As if. You think you ain't getting me to fall in love with you so far has been hard on you? Well, guess what, buster? You get in front of me, that's the last time…"

Peach just slammed into the pole at the lap line and Mario was now in second…

Lap Two

Mario knew he had but one enemy now: Donkey Kong. He cut the first turn wide and nearly went off the opposite side of the road this time, but quickly managed to correct it. He picked up three more coins and tried to look awesome sneaking his way through the pipes by powersliding.

Granted, he did scratch one of his mufflers on the pipe…so, that totally pissed him off even more.

He picked up a Mushroom from the Item Block, and used it to boost across the offroad section to bypass the curvy road (cause he doesn't give a crap about turning now, just going straight).

Donkey Kong kept to the road and quickly found that Mario had passed him. DK was ticked, and started flinging bananas at Mario. Right after the final turn DK threw a banana…which completely missed Mario and fell onto the ground right on the lap line.

Lap Three

Mario took the first curve like he should have the first two times, and then picks up three more coins. As he looks back to see how many coins are left, he notices DK is up his butt. Or is as close as he can be without ramming into him. Mario does some more powersliding into the next turn, avoiding the pipes and kicking dirt up into DK's face. DK spins out, then quickly got up behind Mario, flinging a banana into Mario's path. Mario expertly avoids the banana,or as expertly as you can be when you are powersliding and running into pipes while dropping half your coins on the ground. You know, like a bawz.

Mario picks up a coin item from the Item Block, and decided to save it. He finally ended up having to use it on the final curve as he tries to swerve to avoid Koopa. Koopa was driving back and forth between the walls, as Bowser had radio'd him and told him to tick off Mario and try to block him.

As if Bowser was anywhere near first place. (He wasn't.)

Mario knocks over Koopa and keeps going, screaming that he'd better not be there at the end of the next lap.

Lap Four

Nothing really happens here. And nobody cared.

Lap Five

Mario floors it, getting around the lap as fast as he can. Right after the Item Block, Mario finds himself behind Bowser. And Bowser has a red shell to Mario's banana. Mario cuts in front of Bowser, drops the banana, Bowser shoots the shell, hits the banana, swears at Mario, then let's go of the wheel and quickly loses control of the kart.

Mario laughs, and screams "I'MMA GONNA WIN!", to which Wario shouts from the stands that he's going to kick Mario's asphalt after the race is over for taking his catchphrase.

Mario turns around and drives back to the Item Boxes, then pulls out a Game Genie and changes the coding so he can use a Fire Flower item. He proceeds to drive right at the stands with a fury in his eyes and starts firing the fireballs at the crowd. He tries to hit Wario but Mario's kart bounces off of Wario's fat gut. The rest of the remaining racers try to avoid the confusion and stay on the course, but then Mario realizes that Luigi is about to win.

And he can't have that.

Mario decides to destroy Luigi, because he's always in the way of winning. Even Peach likes him more, and he's certain that he's seen Peach and Luigi walking around the forest together.

And he can't have that.

Mario's eyes turn redder than his outfit, and he goes on the rampage, throwing and hurling fireballs everywhere, and takes out Luigi's mustache without a problem. Luigi and Mario quickly starting slapping each other as they get close and are right next to each other. Luigi, however, makes the turn too sharp and runs into one of DK's bananas from previous laps.

Peach quickly pulls up behind Mario, before Mario throws a fireball back and hitting her, exclaiming "YOU NEVER LOVED ME!" She spins behind DK, who has finally caught back up and is mere seconds from passing Mario.

Mario turns around to look forward right as he drives up and over Koopa…and takes to the air. Everyone slams on their brakes, and watch as Mario lands…on the lap line.

"I WIN WIN WIN WINW IWINIWN WIWN WINW INW WINIW NWIWN WIN W!" Mario says right before he passes out.

By the way, the entire course is damaged beyond repair.

Race Results: Mario (9 points), DK (6 points), Princess (3 points), Yoshi (1 point), Luigi, Toad, Bowser, and Koopa with 0 points.

Standings: Everyone – because all the chairs are on fire and there's no way to put them out.

And this is only the beginning…


	2. Donut Plains 1

The next day, the racers were ready for the second race. They were going to do it at the Mario Circuit raceway...but Mario pretty much destroyed it.

Donkey Kong was ready to go, because he was pissed that he didn't get first place on the initial race. That, and he was so ticked that there were so many bananas being thrown around. He was hungry during the first race. When Mario burned down the course, Donkey Kong was forbidden to go get all the remaining bananas. No one was allowed on the racecourse, so while Donkey Kong was alive, he was still hungry.

At the start of the next course, Donkey Kong was ready to go. Sure, he was in the second position to start. But he wanted Mario to get stuck behind.

"HE HAHA HOO HWW HOOO!" Donkey Kong said as Lakitu began counting down.

"SPAGHETTI?! WHERE?!" exclaimed Yoshi, Mario, and Princess. They all got out their phones and started placing orders for food. They ended up sitting there as the rest of the racers took off for Lap 1...Donkey Kong laughing as he drove forward.

Lap One

Donkey Kong floored it, but Toad, Bowser, Koopa, and Luigi immediately passed him. He was so ticked off that he completely missed picking up an item from the Item Blocks. DK picked up a coin, slightly boosting his speed, but only enough to get ahead of Koopa and Luigi. He banged into Bowser's kart as they drove onto the bridge, barely managing to shove Bowser enough to the left that DK's kart didn't hit a badly (or brilliantly) placed orange pipe.

Who puts those things there, anyways?

As they drove over the bridge to the first S-curve, DK overcorrected and spun out to the grass on the left. Bowser laughed maniacally as he screamed "IDIOT! STAY OUT OF MY WAY!"

Donkey Kong slammed into the wall, with his kart overturning. Lakitu flew down and asked if he could help get the kart back on its wheels for the usual price of 2 coins. Donkey Kong backhanded Lakitu, who flew off after retracting his offer. Instead, Donkey Kong pulled out his phone and called his friend, Diddy Kong, who came flying onto the course with his jetpack. Diddy took off his jetpack and started to attach it to DK's kart to get it some extra push to flip the kart back over.

It was around that time that Luigi came screaming around the curve. He flung a green shell at the wall, attempting to hit DK. DK didn't understand _why_ Luigi wanted to knock him out of the race even faster. As the author knows why, he'll let you know – because Luigi is a jerk.

The shell, unfortunately, misses but does hit Diddy Kong and destroying the jetpack. So much for that. It did flip the kart back over due to the explosion, so DK couldn't fully complain.

DK quickly started to gain speed, getting past everyone except Bowser and Toad. At the final curve, he pulled ahead of Bowser, but Bowser then chose to grab some mushrooms off the ground and eat them, which caused his stomach to churn, which makes him have an explosive release of gas…which created a turbo effect due to it being ignited. Donkey Kong barely had time to swerve to avoid the explosion…which also burned half the grass near the lap line.

DK ended the first lap in third place…not bad…but not good at all.

He decides to get one of these "Item Block" thingies at the next chance.

Lap Two

Unfortunately, DK gets a stupid green shell. He curses to himself twice, once for getting a green shell and once for not picking up an item earlier. Toad, now in second place due to Bowser's Butt Blast blowing Bowser beyond the boisterous mushroom, took the turn took tightly and Donkey Kong's kart kollided kwikly. The author-announcer was then automatically allowed to avail himself of alliteration, and DK threw a banana in his face.

Donkey Kong didn't think to throw the shell to knock Toad back a few places. He decided to get rid of it, so he threw it forward during a turn and it ricocheted off the wall and hit him back for his troubles. Toad drove past, laughing at DK's mastery of the so-called "Suicide Shell" technique. Toad dropped a mini-shroom. DK ran into it and immediately shrinked. He freaked out as he goes from being a heavyweight driver to a feather. Not a featherweight driver. A feather. That's how much he weighed after the switch. He stayed in the grass as much as possible, freaking out as he didn't want to be flattened.

DK pulled onto the straightway after that stupid S-curve, growing big again just as Yoshi drove over him. Yoshi topples off DK's head and onto the ground right in front of Mario, and their karts proceed to explode.

But it's okay – there's no such thing as permadeath in the Mario universe, so twenty seconds and a few paragraphs down and they'll randomly appear again with perfectly shined and tweaked karts and will be okay.

DK, who wasn't paying attention to the road, drove off into the water hazard. He continued to drive, clapping above his head when Lakitu tried to pull him out. Lakitu went flying into the scoreboard, causing it to slightly short-out. DK quickly found himself driving under the walls and popping out right before the final curve. And right behind Toad, who is ticked off that Nintendo Logic is working in DK's favor. DK then flung a banana in front of Toad, who swerved, kicking up some exhaust into the air which pushed the banana towards the scoreboard. The scoreboard caught on fire as the banana was too much of a mess and got the wires wet. The race teams tried to fix it, but it said that DK was in thirteenth place out of eight racers, and DK is ticked that his attempt to win backfired.

Lap Three

Racing. More racing. DK got a green shell, triggered another "Suicide Shell", picked up coins, and pulled ahead of Toad at the final curve into the lap line. At the lap line, DK ran over some delivery people who were waiting for Mario, Yoshi, and the Princess so that they could deliver their food. The food was all on the floor, and Yoshi was mad.

Lap Four

Yoshi, now ticked, threw an egg at DK during the S-curve, which missed, hitting Toad instead. Just accept the stupidity of it and it'll make sense. Toad's kart exploded, Yoshi running into it momentarily after. Yosih's kart exploded right as Mario drove past, causing his engine to catch on fire and eventually explode. The Princess, who had only just started the final lap, also exploded at this time. Remember, accept the stupidity of it and consider it Nintendo Logic.

At this point, I'm going to say that as the announcer, I decided this was the best point to just call the race…especially as there is spaghetti and kart parts all over the course. I let DK win because I had no better way to call it, especially as the scoreboard was fried thanks to bananas and spaghetti.

All this food and no Donuts….this IS a Donut Plains course, right? Well, there's always next course…

Race Results: DK (+9), Toad (+6), Bowser (+3), Koopa (+1), Luigi, Princess, Mario, Yoshi

Overall Results: DK (15), Mario (9), Toad (6), Bowser/Princess (3…and you know you wanted them to end up together), Koopa/Yoshi (1…what a pair), and Luigi at 0. Luigi is losing by doing nothing.

Onto a third race…


End file.
